Of Bungee Jumping and Ornery Subway Employees
by occaecation
Summary: What happens when a mysterious Parry Hotter sends Lord Voldemort,Severus Snape,and Lucius Malfoy a bungee jumping course? And will Severus Snape find the love of his life? R


Disclaimer: we do not own Harry Potter, or anything that has to do with Harry Potter, the Grand Canyon, Subway, Hollister, Abercrombie and Fitch, or American Eagle but we do own Abercrombie and Witch, and as always we own ourselves

A/N: Stephanie was bored in the car one day, and she was thinking about some of the really stupid Voldemort fanfics she has read so she came up with this totally original idea. We are not ripping off any fan fiction we have read. If there is some random fanfic out there that involves Voldemort and a bungee cord then don't complain about us ripping you off. If you do we will be very mad and sick Stephanie's 400 pound mastiff on you. Thank you. That is all.

Rayne: Stephanie, why are you talking in the 3rd person? And since when do you have a 400 pound dog?

Stephanie: BECAUSE STEPHANIE LIKES DOING THAT! AND I GOT HIM LAST FRIDAY! His name is 'I will rip your head off'.

Rayne: Whatever. This is going to be a collection of totally random fanfics that have no connection to each other.

Parry Hotter and the Bungee Cord Trip that Leads to the Subway of Doom!

"LUCIUS!"

"Yes, my Lord?" drawled the blonde.

"Go get the mail. NOW!"

"Yes my lord… and you don't have to scream I am sitting five feet away from you."

"Whatever just GO!"

"Yes my lord." Lucius got up from the comfortable arm chair he had been sprawled out on and walked to the front door of the depressing headquarters that Lord Voldemort was forcing him and Severus Snape to live in. The headquarters they were living in was actually a 20 story castle that had over 200 rooms. At night, the castle was extremely creepy, and sometimes Lucius would get scared and sneak into Snape's room and climb into the bed next to his. Snape would wake up in the morning and do something to Lucius like box his ears.

"Where is Lucius!" yelled Snape

"Why?" asked the Lord, suddenly very interested as to why Snape was so mad at Lucius.

"What is this!" Snape held up a pair of frilly pink underwear.

"What are you doing with my underwear!" shrieked Lucius, his voice turned high like a little girl's.

"What was_ your_ underwear doing in _my_ bed!" shouted a disgusted looking Snape.

"How the hell should I know- I have been looking for those for a week!" shouted Lucius, his voice getting higher with every word.

"Weren't you supposed to be getting the mail?" interjected Voldemort, becoming agitated with Lucius's high pitched voice.

"Oh yeah, I got it," responded Lucius, his voice returning to normal. He held up a manila folder.

"Who is it from?" demanded Voldemort, reaching for it.

"Oh no! You are not going to get this folder until I get my underwear!" Lucius snatched the folder out of the reach of the Dark Lord.

"Snape, give him his undies."

"NO! I WANT TO KNOW WHY THEY WERE IN MY BED! I SHOULD KNOW WHY ANOTHER MAN'S UNDERWEAR WERE IN MY BED!"

"Now, Severus," started Voldemort, "I am not saying that you should just drop a topic like that, but I want my mail."

"And I want my UNDERWEAR!" shouted Lucius, his voice getting high again.

"I WANT MY REASON!" retorted Snape.

"UNDERWEAR!"

"REASON!"

"UNDERWEAR!"

"REASON!"

"UNDERWEAR!"

"REASON!"

"UNDERWEAR!"

"REASON!"

"DO YOU KNOW WHAT I WANT!" both men stopped arguing and looked at their Lord. "I WANT YOU TWO TO SHUT THE BLOODY HELL UP AND TO GIVE ME MY DAMN MAIL!"

Lucius handed the Dark Lord his mail, and Severus handed Lucius his underwear and they both stared at Voldemort.

"NOW! LUCIUS, TELL SNAPE WHY YOUR UNDERWEAR WAS IN HIS BED!"

Lucius looked at the floor. "Weelll, see, I got scared one night and I figured that I could just climb into Snape's bed, he was sleeping like a log, and he was sooooo nice and warm, and-"

"WHAT THE FUCK! I WAS WARM! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU!"

"I WAS SCARED!"

"I DON'T GIVE A SHIT HOW SCARED YOU WERE-"

"Now, Snape, be nice to Lucius and let him finish his story," the Dark Lord interrupted.

"Well, see, I was cuddling up to Snape-" Lucius began again.

"YOU WERE WHAT!" Snape was horrified by this statement.

"And then, something sharp poked me in my side. I figured that a nail was sticking out of your bed, but it wouldn't let go of my pants. They were stuck! And these weren't just any ordinary pajama pants… no, no these were my Calvin Klein pajama pants, and now they have this HUGE hole in them!"

"Oh, that was probably my wand- I sleep with it," Snape replied coolly.

Both Voldemort and Lucius gave him a confused- and slightly scared- look.

"What?" asked Snape, "You never know how you are going to have to defend yourself!"

"Well, I took the pants off, but I was still stuck, so I figured it was my underwear."

Snape gave Lucius a disgusted look and turned to Voldemort. "Are you going to open it?"

"Yes; hold on," the Dark Lord replied. He ripped open the folder and spotted a piece of parchment in the mass of white paper. It read:

To the Dark Lord Voldemort:

I have spent some time studying your many evil deeds, and have decided to reward you with this bungee jumping trip for three. It will be in the Grand Canyon in America, and your instructor's name is Don Quixote. (pronounced hoe té)

Your faithful admirer,

Parry Hotter

P.S: All papers needed are enclosed. Remember that this is a muggle trip- no magic.

"The hell?" said Voldemort.

"The hell?" echoed Snape.

"The hell?" mimicked Lucius.

"SHUT UP!" the Dark Lord yelled. "This trip is for three. You two have to come with me."

"Will it earn me Brownie points?" asked Lucius. Lord Voldemort and Snape stared at him. The blonde shrugged. "Just curious."

ONE WEEK LATER:

Lord Voldemort, Severus Snape, and Lucius Malfoy stood on the edge of the Grand Canyon, waiting for their instructor. Suddenly, an extremely tall, like as in eleven feet tall, and lanky man dressed in a trench coat, hat, and sunglasses walked into view. Upon closer inspection, one could see small tufts of bright red hair sticking out from under his large hat. He saw the group and burst out laughing.

_I can't blame him,_ thought Severus Snape coldly. _After all, it's not every day that you see three grown men wearing jumpsuits of various shades of the most embarrassing shades of color known to man._

They had gone to a nearby store to purchase some jumpsuits, and had found only three colors left: lime green, fuchsia, and _very_ see through white. Being the heir of Slytherin, Voldemort thought that the lime green was most appropriate for him, Severus, of course, was not going to have his "undergarments," as he put it, showing, so he had to take the fuchsia. Lucius got the last pick, the _very_ see through white. He was unfortunately wearing black boxer shorts with red flying cows, but no undershirt. You could see his boxers and toned chest _very_ clearly. He was constantly receiving remarks and pinches in very uncomfortable places, much to Snape's and Voldemort's amusement. A group of girls that looked to be about thirteen had their eyes covered by red faced fathers as their mothers were too busy "inspecting" Lucius. After his bum was sore, he finally screamed,

"I AM HAPPILY MARRIED AND HAVE A SON!"

"Hey, sweetie," said a scantily clad girl with long chocolate brown hair. She had long legs, straight hair, and high cheekbones. Lucius's jaw dropped. He didn't know that American women looked like this. _Hmmm… Wife and child in Scotland… Me in America… Hmmm…, _thought Lucius as he inspected the brunette further. She looked to be about 25 at the oldest, probably younger. He was 40. How old did he look? Well, he was a wizard so forty in wizard terms was about twenty compared to muggles.

"H-hi…" stammered Lucius, still staring at her rather large bosom.

"What's your name, cutie? Mine is Claire Runnels," she asked running a finger along his jaw line.

"Looks like she didn't hear his last, uh… outburst," whispered Severus to Voldemort.

"Apparently not," the Dark Lord whispered back.

Lucius seemed to be regaining self-control and said, "It's Lucius, mademoiselle." He took her hand kissed it, and she giggled. She noticed his British accent and giggled further. Snape then took the liberty of knocking sense into his blonde friend. He dragged Lucius behind a small shed, put his hands on Lucius's shoulders and looked him square in the eye.

"Lucius, if Narcissa ever…" his voice trailed off, leaving Lucius to think of his own torture.

"Severus, my dear friend," said Lucius coolly, "Narcissa is in Scotland with Draco, and I am here in America."

"IT DOESN'T MAKE A DIFFERENCE, THIS IS NARCISSA WE ARE TALKING ABOUT!" yelled Snape frantically. Normally Snape could have given a care about what Narcissa and Lucius did, (to all you perverts out there THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEAN!), but in this case, Snape knew that Narcissa would blame him for not "looking after" Lucius.

Lucius winked at Snape then trotted back over to the girl. He looked like he was asking her something, but Snape was too horrified about what Narcissa might do to him to pay any attention.

He watched as Lucius trotted back over to him then said, "I asked her out after we go bungee jumping. She said Lucius was like luscious and that's how I was."

"I swear to god, Lucius, I am going to hunt you down and personally throttle you once Narcissa finds out about this," hissed Snape, he then mentally busted out laughing at the Lucius/luscious comparison.

"But she won't find out."

"THIS IS NARCISSA! SHE KNOWS EVERYTHING!"

Suddenly, somewhere in the shopping malls of Scotland, Narcissa felt a pang of annoyance for no apparent reason at all.

"I hope Severus is watching Lucius," she said out of the blue, surprising herself and Draco.

Draco looked at her with question then said, "Mother dear, we'd best be heading to Abercrombie and Witch for that sale."

"Yes, dear, we should… we wouldn't want to run into Filch again now would we? Filthy bastard is vicious at these Abercrombie and Witch sales."

"Oh yes, last time he threw Mrs. Norris at my face for a green and silver jacket... Actually, he is a pretty good shot," pondered Draco, remembering last year's experience.

The guide laughed again, and then said, "Hi, I'm your instructor, Don Quixote. Here are your bungee cords." The man pulled three bungee cords from one of the many pockets of his trench coat. One was blue, one white, and one neon orange. Voldemort took the white rope because it was the closest thing to silver available. Lucius insisted on Severus taking the blue rope because he said orange would clash with fuchsia, and Lucius got orange because he said it accented the white.

"Now, bungee jumping can be very dangerous, so I want you to secure yourselves properly."

"But what if we don't know how to secure ourselves properly?" inquired Lucius, not wanting to die.

"Oh, I'm sure you will figure it out."

They all gave each other nervous glances, then started to tie the ropes to themselves. By the time they were done, they looked like balls of yarn.

"This is ridiculous," hissed Snape.

"Yes, but you look quite sexy. Fuchsia goes well with your complexion, Severus," complemented Lucius.

Snape's jaw dropped. "I am going to pretend that you never said that."

"Suit yourself," Lucius shrugged.

"Okay, now that you have secured yourselves, some one is going to jump. Uh, sir in the green, would you be so kind to go first?"

"Just a question- why is his," Lucius gestured at Voldemort, "bungee cord thinner than mine and Severus's"

"Well, there are two reasons. The first is that you," he pointed at Lucius, "have very long hair, and that must weight a lot, and you," he pointed at Severus, "have clearly been working out."

"Yes, how did you know?" Severus asked proudly.

"Well, you can clearly see it through your muggle clothing."

"Muggle? How do you know what a muggle is?"

"Oh, you know like Hollister, Abercrombie and Wi- uh Fitch, American Eagle, and Muggle- you know, Muggle clothing industry."

"Oh yes, I shop there all the time," lied Snape.

"The other reason is that you and that other gentleman," Don Quixote pointed at Lucius, "are about the same weight, correct?"

"Yes, I suppose we are," answered Snape.

"And the other gentleman," Don Quixote pointed now at Voldemort, "is much thinner that you two. I mean, he looks like a friggin' pole. No offense, sir."

"None taken," said Voldemort. He was wrapped up in trying to figure out whether or not he should jump head first.

"Oh, I see," mused Lucius.

"Good. Now, sir, if you would be so kind as to attach your hook to a large rock," Voldemort followed instructions, "now, sir, just jump." Voldemort followed instructions once again. Lucius and Severus didn't even notice Don Quixote shrink about five feet until they saw a boy swinging through the air like Spiderman. He had a phantom of the opera mask and robe, and was yelling a shrill battle cry. They mysterious person cut their Lord's rope. They heard a crack and splat.

"Do you think he is okay?" Lucius asked nervously.

"Yes, of course, he is the Dark Lord," responded Snape, but inside he was secretly praying that the Dark Lord had fallen to his death.

The masked figure had not yet moved from a crouching position on the ground. After about ten minutes, he got up and yelled into the sky,

"I, PARRY HOTTER, HAVE SUCCESSFULLY DEFEATED THE MOST EVILEST OF EVIL DARK WIZARDS EVER IN THE HISTORY OF EVERNESS!"

"Wait; you're Parry Hotter!" exclaimed Lucius and Snape in unison.

The figure took off his mask, and Don Quixote took off his trench coat, hat, and sunglasses.

"It's Weasley and Potter!" exclaimed both men.

"Wow, no one would have ever guessed that Parry Hotter is actually Harry Potter!" exclaimed Lucius. Snape slowly turned to look at Lucius with an incredulous look on his face. He then proceeded to hit Lucius on the back of the head.

"Well, what do we do now?" asked Ron, who was enjoying the hissy fight that Snape and Lucius were engaged in.

"WE CELABRATE!" exclaimed Harry, pointing a finger at the sky.

Ron looked up, then shrugged, "Okay, how?"

"Well, I have a really hot date at Subway."

"Who the hell goes on a date to Subway?" asked Ron.

"AND YOU ARE MARRIED, SO YOU CAN'T DATE OTHER WOMEN," exclaimed Harry, pointing at the sky again. Once again, Ron looked up, squinted, contorted his face in concentration, and then shrugged.

"TO SUBWAY!" yelled Harry even louder. He jumped on to a nearby boulder and pointed at the sky yet again.

"He really needs to stop that," mumbled Snape.

"WHAT THE BLOODY HELL IS UP THERE!" screeched Ron, shaking Harry roughly by the shoulders. Harry stared at him then said,

"TO SUBWAY!" and, as usual, he pointed to the sky, much to Severus's annoyance and Ron's confusion.

"Hello. And. Welcome. To. Subway," muttered a pissed-off look girl at the counter. He name tag read 'Rayne'. There was another more bouncy girl standing behind her who was obviously the cause of her problems.

"Just ignore Rayne, I have been here all day, which means she is extremely pissed. So, may I take your orders?"

"Stephanie, you don't work here."

"Well, you weren't going to help them anytime soon."

"If you would move, I would."

"I want to see that."

"Okay, you will see," at this, Rayne put on the most fake smile ever and turned to Lucius. "May I take your order, sir?" her teeth were clenched so tightly that her words were muffled.

Stephanie burst out laughing, but stopped when Lucius started to talk.

"Erm, yeah, I will have a turkey on rye and he will…"

"OMFG! YOU ARE LUCIUS MALFOY!" Lucius stared at Stephanie for a minute.

"Soooo?" he asked.

"AAAHHHH!" Stephanie promptly tackled him and hugged him until he was gasping for air.

"Do you know Sirius Black and Bill Weasley and OMFG!" she got off of Lucius and tackled Ron.

"YOU ARE BILL WEASLEY'S BROTHER! AND THE TWINS' BROTHER! OMFG!" Stephanie then tackled Harry.

"YOU ARE SIRIUS BLACK'S GOD-SON! RAYNE DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS! AND SIRIUS KNOWS TONKS!"

"Yes, that he is Severus Snape!" Rayne walked out from behind the counter and shook Severus's hand. "Will you _please_ kill me?" Snape said nothing, but found himself oddly attracted to this bizarre teen.

"Rayne, you are such a kill joy. CAN YOU PLEEAAASSSEEE INTRODUCE ME TO BILL, FRED, GEORGE, SIRIUS, AND TONKS!" They all nodded their heads, afraid of what might happen if they said no. Stephanie did a victory dance and then stepped behind the counter and said, "Now, may I take you orders?"

"God damnit, Stephanie, for the last time you, don't work here!" shrieked Rayne, stepping back behind the counter.

"I am speaking to the manager about this," replied Stephanie.

"Why?" Rayne was afraid she might loose her job and her mind.

"I want to know if there are any open positions." They all paused a moment to take in the shock of events that had just happened. Then they ordered. It took Lucius about thirty minutes to explain to Claire what had happened. Claire was pretty, but not the sharpest tool in the shed-actually, she couldn't have passed for a butter knife. Severus finished early, and approached the counter where Rayne was trying to keep Stephanie from destroying something or another, probably the cash register as Stephanie was whining about pushing the buttons, making the lights flash, and the sounds go beep. Rayne saw Severus stop in front of her, and she pointed a spatula at him.

"And just what do you want?"

"Rayne, he want to know where the bathroom is, duh," said Stephanie, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world, "I mean, can't you see him twitching like that?"

"Actually, that's not why I am here," replied a bewildered Snape, "I was wondering when you got off," he directed the question at Rayne, whose mouth fell open as she dropped the spatula. Stephanie's mouth dropped, too, and she fell off the counter she had been sitting on because she was laughing so much.

"SNAPE...WHEN OFF... RAYNE... HAHAHA! CAN'T BREATHE!" but Rayne paid no attention to her annoying best friend. She picked the spatula back up and jabbed him in the chest with it.

"Why?"

"No real reason."

"YES… REASON… THERE IS… LIKES…YOU…!" chocked out Stephanie, who was still laughing hysterically. She suddenly stopped laughing and made her way over to Snape.

"I'll strike a deal with ya, Snapie."

"Don't call me that, and I will consider it."

"Okay. You introduce me to everyone on my list," she handed him a list that consisted of Bill Weasley, the Weasley Twins, Tonks, and Sirius. He scanned it.

"And what do I get in return?"

"You get to go on a date with rain."

"WHAT!" yelled Rayne, horrified.

"Shut up, I'm doing business here."

He glanced at Rayne, who was cursing and turning different colors. "All right, deal."

They shook on it, and she said to meet rain in the park tonight at eight o'clock sharp.

Rayne pulled Stephanie aside. "What the hell are you thinking!"

"I said _rain, _not _Rayne_."

"What's the difference?"

"They are spelled different."

"Oohhhh, I gotcha."

"Yeah, late reaction," said Stephanie, once again acting like this was the most obvious thing in the world. Stephanie grinned then walked over to Snape.

"Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke."

Then she walked over to Rayne.

"Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke."

Stephanie did this about five times before they both cracked

"STOP!" they yelled in unison. Rayne threw her cap and apron at Stephanie, then screamed, "Here's the job you wanted!"

She grabbed Severus by the arm and dragged him out of subway, not knowing that this had been Stephanie's intention all along.

Lucius walked over to Stephanie and whispered, "They make a cute couple, don't they?"

Stephanie nodded, but was very preoccupied with the things she was finding in the pockets of Rayne's uniform.

A/N: there will be more random and pointless one shots to come later so keep reading and reviewing


End file.
